MONTREAL, THE UNITED STATES OF CANADA

Introduction

Warning The following is a fictional tale loosely based on current and historical events. The true names of the characters have been changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent.

Hello, my name is DJ Dimitrey, and I’m 12 years old. That’s not my real name, of course, but I have such a long last name that no one bothers to read or say my first name, ever! I’m the boy you see in the middle. I added the ‘DJ’ to my name in honour of the guy with all the facial hair in this video. Fun song, isn’t it? But I still don’t understand how people can have all that facial hair. Look at my skin, soft, smooth, and easy to maintain.

On the left is my older sister, Pierrette (pronounced PEER-et). She’s weird; that’s because she’s French. You think my last name is long? French people make every sentence and every word twice as long as it should be, and they always say things backwards just to be different, unique, and to feel better than others. That’s cool because, as you’ll see later, some nice things come from this.

On the right is my brother, Orange Boy. He’s 15 and much bigger than me. That’s not his real name, of course, but right now we’re fighting again, and that’s what I want to call him. In the picture above he looks happy, but these days he’s just angry and sarcastic. You see, Orange Boy is upset that I sponge off him all the time in exchange for all the gold, oil, diamonds, and maple syrup in my backyard. Every four years, I bug Orange Boy when he wins the national pie-eating contest with the map above. It really bugs him, and it’s fun to do. For some reason I am proud not to have religion in my back yard. That’s why religion is on my map, to ridicule it, thus proving my point that I never talk about it. Now that I come to realize it, all that my friends ever talk about is religion, whether we bash it or praise all but one. It’s a unique trait we borrowed from our hidden princess, Silicon Barbie. We are referring of course to the material that goes in computers, not the one that goes in that spot I shouldn’t mention at my age. She lives in that big blue spot on the bottom left.

This time around, my brother, Orange Boy is making fun of me with a map of his own, and I don’t think it’s funny. That’s why I’m yelling! If you’re wondering what that map looks like, it’s the one below. I’ll show him a thing or two about his map! Making fun jokes about taking over other people’s backyards was my thing! I mean, I really don’t have the power to do it, so I just project! No one can take that stuff away from me and make it their own. I will fight back! When Orange Boy does it, it’s mean and scary. I mean, look at his hair; doesn’t it send shivers down your spine? When I do it, it’s fun.

We are going to visit the United States of Canada, starting from my hometown, Montreal, and then crossing the border, which I soon hope to remove and replace, to New York and Vermont.

The museum with pearls of wisdom

Saint Joseph’s Oratory, Saint Andre Bessette, Montreal

Not a museum per se, but impressive nonetheless. There’s a hospital across the street from the church. Every time I try to get into the hospital, I’m turned away, so I walk up what feels like hundreds upon hundreds of steps into the church to pray that the hospital lets me in soon, and not six months from now. I’m not even Catholic, but it’s so amazing inside and outside that I often say, “Why not just give it a try?” Originally, the church was built by a monk named André (Brother André, or Saint André Bessette) around 100 years ago to heal the sick, since, I guess, back then hospitals didn’t heal the sick either, so people had no choice but to believe in miracles. Apparently, Brother André did heal quite a few people based on the photo testimony and artifacts in the church. Alas, today, the brother is dead, and no one has regained his touch.

My cousin, Li Na, often comes from another part of Canada to visit. She has to pay to go to the hospital, having crossed an invisible border between provinces. She, too, is not Catholic, so to make herself feel better after the hospital turns her away, she goes to the flower garden full of statues to the left and just sits outside, enjoying the scenic vistas from the top of the hill that let you see the entire city. I will admit one thing about the church: they always have the best real estate. Not only is this church high up with acres of land and hundreds of parking spots in a very crowded city, but to the rear and the right of the church lies Canada’s most expensive postal code, or at least perennially in the top 3. This happens to be Canada’s largest church, and the dome happens to be one of the largest among this type of cathedral in the world. Is it any wonder, I prefer this over a stair master in the gym?

The perfect museum on the street

"Because we go through life day after day The only thing you want to keep is the right to dream"

Villain Pingouin, alternative band from Montreal, translated to English

Let’s talk about my sister, Pierrette. She’s a retro, artsy kind of person who gets bothered by everything her little brothers do. Right now, her level of agitation is off the scale with our latest spat over who owns our backyard. She’s scared of my older brother’s hair and doesn’t take a joke too well. Admittedly, even I never know when my older brother is joking; I just know he always has an ulterior motive which makes me feel safer. I’ll give you my theory later on. None of us in the family share our sister’s taste in music, but we can appreciate our older sister sneaking us into a bar for a taste of things we’re too young to experience. One such bar is Les Foufounes Électriques, a live music venue for up-and-coming bands. She likes a local ’90s alternative band called Vilain Pingouin. That’s French for “evil penguin” or something like that. You can listen to them (here). I think you’ll like this song, even if you have no clue what they’re saying, whether you speak French or not. That’s the allure, though.

You can play all sorts of video games from bygone eras as well at the Foufounes Electriques (which loosely translates to electric buttocks), which is great for your inner child, or in our case, if we are children. P.S. We’re not advocating you sneak in minors at home, but during the day, anyone can come inside. The best part of coming here is the street art or graffiti, as it’s called by those not into that sort of thing. Pierrette isn’t much of a capitalist. In theory, Montreal is supposedly the antithesis of capitalism and supposedly the least business-friendly place in Canada as a result. This isn’t necessarily the case though. Do you want to know what the biggest event for money is in this region? Come to the MURAL Festival in June, where teams of artisans from everywhere compete to see who the street art kings of the year are. There’s a bit of audience voting and judging, but in the end, all of these artists have one purpose: to sell themselves. The video above is from an older staging of the event but gives you the insight of what it takes to build the mural and you can see the murals created right before your eyes. Outside of June, there are several tours that can bring out the artist in you.

MURAL festival, Les Foufounes Electriques, Vilain Pingouin

My heart might just go on

"Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on (why does the heart go on?)"

Céline Dion, from the movie Titanic

You know what’s weird about Montreal? The winters are cold and dry, while every other season is wet and humid. That’s why my mother bought me a cheap dehumidifier from Costco that makes my room so comfortable in the summer. We might just be the city that loves Costco the most. You know what else we love, but I dread? Celine Dion, one of the all-time best-selling female musical artists. I mean, she spent $2 million on a dehumidifier while I barely have a toonie in my pocket to buy a steamie—a steamed hot dog with all the toppings, including coleslaw. That seems unfair to me. She keeps telling the world that her heart can go on, but at my age, my heart goes on and off every five seconds when I see someone. What’s so special about it going on forever? No big deal; girls come and go, right?

You know who else loves Céline? My brother, Orange Boy. He loves casino’s, but is incapable of running one. That’s a good thing I guess since the world really doesn’t need too many of them. Since Céline is in Las Vegas all the time, Orange Boy saves up his money, buys a fake ID, and heads off to Vegas to see her perform on stage with her overly expensive dehumidifier just below. I guess it must keep your throat and vocal cords in top condition. My brother even goes up to her hometown of Charlemagne, about 20 km from here, just to see a giant ball the town of 6,000 has in her honour.

For me, I enjoy having a smoked meat sandwich at Schwartz’s, a landmark restaurant she just bought. What’s a smoked meat sandwich? It’s something between pastrami and corned beef, the Jewish community’s biggest contribution to this city outside of bagels. Our bagels are better than New York’s, not that I’ve been there, but everyone in town says so, so I just follow along. When I’m at the Oratory, I take a bus heading left and end up at St-Viateur Bagel, the city’s finest. Nice coffee shops there too, but at my age coffee still takes some getting used to. From there, I take a thirty-minute walk to Schwartz, through unique row homes with outdoor staircases found nowhere else, which look great in the winter if you don’t freeze your buttocks by the time you finish that walk, but as a 12-year-old I get to make snow angels when no one is looking.

Celine Dion, St-Viateur Bagel, Schwartz, Smoked meat, Olympic Stadium, William Schatner, Leonard Cohen, Vieux-Montreal, Kevin O’Leary, Dragon’s Den

The worlds most expensive spaceship

"If you read my books, especially the Star Trek novels, you'll see the characters struggle with the darker sides of human nature, because we're all capable of the darkest evils, but also the greatest good."

William Shatner, Captain Kirk in Star Trek, born in Montreal

Elon Musk is all the rage when it comes to space travel. I read about him all the time, and when I grow up, I want to be one of the first to live on Mars and build a new, clean world. Every time I go on TikTok, I get the feeling the world sucks, so I want off it. When I dream about stuff like that, I go to the city’s east end to visit our giant 50-year-old, over-budgeted, gazillion-dollar Olympic Stadium, which supposedly I still pay for, but I don’t see how. Come on, it looks like a spaceship from the 1960s, although it was built for the 1976 Olympics. Right now, it’s just an exhibition center, sometimes a sports venue, and sometimes a concert venue. After I take my picture, I go to the base of the stadium to the Biodome, a wonderful array of animals and flowers from all sorts of climates. Once upon a time, people used to race bicycles here. One thing I don’t understand: I have to pay to get into an artificially created space that contains subtropical, Arctic, and other environments when I can just step outside in April and experience all 4 seasons in a single day. Makes no sense to me, but the sea creatures are the best. When my weird sister Pierrette takes me, we always have to see all of the flowers in the huge botanical garden across the street. I get so bored there myself, but it’s useful for extra credit for my science classes, so I guess it’s OK. My sister says it’s breathtaking, and I’ll take her word for it. Personally, I think of my future job at the Canadian Space Agency in the suburbs, while staring at the flowers.

The place by the river

"Suzanne takes you down to a place by the river You can hear the boats go by, you can spend the night forever And you know that she's half crazy, and that's why you want to be there"

Leonard Cohen, Montreal born singer/song writer from his song Suzanne

My sister Pierrette has a friend named Suzanne. She lives by the St. Lawrence River, a massive river that feeds into the Great Lakes, the world’s largest supply of fresh water. Suzanne is cool, a bit flaky like Pierrette, but she had a song written about her by Leonard Cohen, one of our most famous native celebrities. His song about Suzanne, which you can listen to [here], depresses me when I listen to it, but you know what doesn’t depress me? Our waterfront and the oldest part of the city that surrounds it, Old Montreal or Vieux-Montréal as Pierrette calls it. It’s got a science center, cruises, bike paths, tricycles, stores, and the beautiful square that leads to City Hall called Place Jacques-Cartier. That’s named after Jacques Cartier, who explored the area but did not found Montreal; the city was founded by Paul Chomedey de Maisonneuve in 1642. There’s also a cool bridge named after Jacques Cartier right at the edge of Old Montreal. It looks spectacular when lit up during our annual fireworks festival in June. I mean, it’s picture-perfect and the perfect bonding moment when Orange Boy competes against me and others from around the world for the best fireworks display. When I die, like many leaders in my country, my eulogy will be performed at the Notre-Dame Basilica, a carbon copy of the one in Paris, which is also located here. Another great thing about the Port/Old Montreal? It’s the only place where I, as a 12 year-old, can ride my bike for many, many kilometres without getting killed. The path is along the river. I don’t care what anyone says, riding your bike anywhere else in this city is a death wish! Heck, walking in this city along cyclists has its pitfalls too but I’ve trained myself to do it. It’s like a game of Grand-Theft Auto, which I play all the time. So come prepared!

The father of TV capitalism

"Money is my military, each dollar a soldier. I never send my soldiers into battle before lining them up, telling them when and where I need them to fight. And fighting is what they do; I tell them what to do, and they do it."

Kevin O'Leary, original member of Dragon's Den or Shark Tank

If my brother, Orange Boy, ever had a hero that he would look up to, it is this guy, Kevin O’Leary. It’s funny how a society like Montreal, which seems one-size-fits-all, with its socialist system, can produce the world’s most famous TV investor. I guess rebellion is the key to change, and boy is this guy a rebel in contrast with his hometown of Montreal. For the uninitiated, Dragon’s Den is the one thing the national broadcaster, the CBC, created that they got right in its almost one-century of existence. It’s also their biggest show that is internationally syndicated in over 30 countries. In the USA, its offshoot is called Shark Tank.

As Pierrette, Orange Boy, and I are watching this in our living room, I realize why this show brings us together. It’s about hope and building dreams, the type of dreams that build up families, give joy to people. Pierrette obviously likes the marketing and artistic types, I like the technical types, and Orange Boy doesn’t give a damn about what they do; all he sees are dollars and cents. In the end, Kevin O’Leary isn’t a misfit after all, proving that Capitalism can build dreams, and unite us all.

Dragon’s Den aims to provide funding to startups. Each 60-minute show includes around three businesses looking for investments, each having only 10 or so minutes to convince the investors to secure a deal with them. A panel of investors then fights each other, or doesn’t, to see who invests.

Kevin didn’t exactly grow up on the wrong side of the tracks; on the contrary, he literally grew up on the right side of the train tracks in a ‘suburb’ called TMR, home to some of the island of Montreal’s most affluent neighbourhoods. The TMR train station has two exits. On the outside, a fence separates the imaginary border between the two sides. One side leads to TMR, and on the other side, there is a fence that leads to, let’s say, one of the island’s poorer neighbourhoods where a tourist can engage in mom-and-pop-style Indian and Greek cuisine and, every March 25, take part in the Greek Independence Day parade. A little further down along the same street resides the city’s largest farmers market, the Jean-Talon Market, which can be a great place to be if you’re staying at an Airbnb-type place.

Nature's best in a YouTube video

Orange Boy is my brother from a different mother. His mom lives in New York City. It’s weird how all the roads in Eastern Canada look so straight on a map. Like, the road from Montreal to New York City. On a map, it’s a straight line, but in reality, it’s a beautiful trip along mountainous terrain with curves, bends, and cliffs. The trip takes about 6 hours by car or 4 by train. We always argue about the same thing when we drive the 35 minutes to the US border. There, big trucks go through special lanes with expedited processes. Orange Boy says way more stuff leaves Canada for the US than comes back. He claims that a lot of what we make here, especially by American or big international companies, is mainly for sale in the USA because it’s cheaper here, and we’re right next to them. Orange Boy thinks I should thank him for all the jobs he says he’s responsible for, but I don’t, even though I should. I really don’t want to give credit to my big brother for anything. After all, when does he give me credit for anything? All he does is make fun of me.

After our argument, we cross the border to witness another phenomenon: the small border towns quadrupling in size from all the cross-border shoppers. Canadians sometimes sneak stuff back to save on taxes because we pay a lot in Quebec, but companies don’t. We like our free stuff, but it’s cheaper to buy things in the US, like gas, clothes, food, you name it. Sometimes people bring back more than they should, saying it’s old stuff they already had. A few years ago, a bunch of mayors in the Montreal region got caught for being corrupt and taking bribes. The high cost of living here, coupled with high taxes, makes people do shady things to get by. We save enough money from this to go on a mini trip to what I call the ‘United States of Canada’. My sister Pierrette, who’s also in the car with us, is OK with this type of theft. She keeps muttering about the evils of Capitalism all the time, even though she scored big time selling her murals just a week ago, and can afford to pay for our entire trip. As she is talking both Orange Boy and I shake our heads at our sister, wondering what she’s talking about. Then we realize that Pierrette works for Silicon Barbie, and must do what her boss tells her to do. It was a good bonding moment between the brothers. Somehow, having the same ‘enemy’ can bring people together. Neither of us understands French people. Pierrette’s a good cook and artist though, so we forgive her.

We drive a bit further to Adirondack State Park. It’s beautiful with ski hills, lakes, and fall colors. It even had the Winter Olympics in 1932 and 1980 in Lake Placid. What’s so special about Lake Placid? Orange Boy’s mother once said to us that this is the place where the biggest moment in US sports history happened. That’s the day the US Olympic hockey team, which at that time couldn’t hit a moose with a puck, somehow found the back of the net four times to defeat the Soviet Union juggernaut, eliminating them from gold medal contention. Back in those days, professionals couldn’t play, making the Soviet Union’s unpaid amateurs (who at the time could beat North American professionals) seem unstoppable, even more so than the USA basketball Dream Team in 1992. The biggest upset in Olympic history, and a victory not just on the ice, but in the Cold War that was still peaking. After taking a skate at the arena where all this happened, we all decided to go dog-sledding. It’s like being in Alaska but just a touch warmer. Pierrette was worried that they might push the animals too hard, but in the end, it was like horseback riding; nothing too extreme for the animals. You can see all of this in the video above.

Adirondack State Park

Fun fact

Look at a map of Canada, and what do you see that stands out above all else? It feels like the entire country consists of lakes and rivers with some land in between. If you feel this, that’s because Canada contains 62% of the world’s lakes! The Adirondack Park in the USA is no slouch as it contains two sizeable lakes, Lake Placid and Lake Champlain, along with many smaller lakes.

From Lake Placid, the three of us head back north to Lake Champlain, a body of water that stretches across two states (New York and Vermont) and the province of Quebec, Canada. From the New York side, we take the bridge to Vermont. Pierrette is excited about going to Vermont whereas, Orange Boy dreads the trip. The main reason is our uncle Ernie Sanders. Let me explain the allure Pierrette has to her uncle Ernie. Vermont was once part of the French territory of New France, hence its name when translated to English is “Green Mountain,” which is why it’s called the Green Mountain State. Even the state capital, Montpelier, has a nod to French heritage, possibly derived from local geography rather than directly from Montpellier in France. This gives Vermont a unique French history among northeastern states, collectively known as New England. To add to this, Pierrette’s ancestors went to Vermont in droves over a century ago to escape famine, which is why a last name like Levesque (the most common last name in Quebec) is common in Vermont. After a century though, the French language has largely left Vermont, and that last name is pronounced in a way I can’t even understand. In Vermont, it goes something like ‘Leveskew’. In the French world, it’s pronounced ‘Levek’. Pierrette and her uncle Ernie are staunch socialists, both striving to help the working man. Uncle Ernie, known to own three homes, and Pierrette, with her own property, share this ideology. My sister Pierrette only owns one home so far, aspiring perhaps to match her uncle’s real estate count. The working people Uncle Ernie helps now clean out his garage. In that sense, Orange Boy has the same end goal; to get rich thus creating good jobs, though his methods might differ. It’s like they both live in a circle that meets at the same place. So I just consider them one and the same, which is why I can get along with both of them.

Let me tell you, one would be hard-pressed to find any place more green as you drive down I-89, its main north-south artery. The bridge from Lake Champlain leads to Burlington, the largest city, if one can call it that, in Vermont. It may not be large, but it’s gorgeous.

Lake Champlain, Lake Placid

What does Trip Advisor tell me to do?

Let me tell you something about Burlington. It’s a college town full of professors, and unless you teach engineering or economics, they tend to be a bit snobby. So it has lots of craft beer tours, wine tastings, fancy meals, and nature stuff as a result. Thing is, we just did nature in the Adirondacks, and we’re just kids. If you haven’t figured this out yet, our minds are both 12 and 15, while our bodies are at least 4-5 times older. So based on the age of our bodies, we decided that the one thing we all could universally enjoy as brothers and sisters was a craft brew tour. From the money we saved cross-border shopping, we decided to splurge it on (this) tour, which in funny money, as Orange Boy puts it, is around 160 CDN per person. The itinerary promised 12 beers across 3 breweries for that price including transport. Seemed reasonable enough, after all who counts their money when on tour. Thing was the fine print stated that a minimum of 12 people were required. We were about 9 people short when Pierrette took the lead on this one. You see, Pierrette votes based on one thing. Let’s just call it her ‘eyes’, since she picks a leader based on how attractive they are. Even though her method of picking a leader didn’t work out too well during the last election, as a family we felt that in this situation, her type of sales approach would do just fine. So she used her ‘eyes’ to get 9 more people to join the group. Observing her technique, both Orange Boy and I saw firsthand how she must have sold all her murals, and we were impressed. Capitalism at its finest we brothers screamed out loud! Pierrette didn’t like that one, as she doesn’t like to admit she likes money more than us.

The perfect restaurant at home

After our brewery tour, we went to a plain bar just to unwind with regular beer. Unfortunately, this bar served Bud Light which got both Orange Boy and Pierrette upset for different reasons. There’s that circle again, because in the end the result is the same. So we started fighting again, thanks AB InBev! We went back to our hotel rooms angry, and in the morning when I woke up, I found the perfect bond that will unite us as a family across the street at IHOP, the world’s happiest place (unless you eat there every day, after which point you’ll die young). For our Europeans readers, IHOP stands for the International House of Pancakes, and it truly does end all arguments. I ordered the three of us pancakes with Maple Syrup. Not only is this a common bond between our two countries, Quebec and Vermont love each other except when we compete over who has the best maple syrup and cheese. Orange Boy really gets upset at the cheese because, until 2010, Quebec banned Vermont cheese and eggs from being sold in the province. “Again, Canada cheats me out of my American money,” he says, still holding onto that grudge even though the ban has long been lifted.

As we’re eating our pancakes, the three of us bond again about how Europeans are so weird, dumb, and behind the times. Why? They have maple trees as well, but they haven’t figured out en masse that the tree produces the greatest syrup in the world. In fact, between late February and late April, both Quebec and Vermont make maple syrup harvesting an event where we go and get our own, get drunk, and eat like pigs in front of a fire to keep us warm from the frigid temperatures we endured getting our maple syrup. To Europeans, this must feel so uncivilized, so that’s why we figured why maple syrup is scarce there. To our European friends, you make fun of us for being culturally inferior as well, so leave us alone as finding a common ‘enemy’ is the cure to our differences -).

Funny how both food and music made us forget our differences and united us as a family. After this experience, we went back home to Montreal, happy as a family, until the next time we fight! Above is a video showing a Québec-style cabane à sucre (Sugar Shack in Vermont). It’s a unique tradition that one misses.

cabane à sucre, Sugar Shack, Pancakes, Maple syrup, IHOP, Burlington, Vermont

Legal disclaimers and tour summary

No references are necessary; all characters and stories are designed for entertainment and not for accuracy, copying how Hollywood creates historical dramas, and how both trusted, and untrusted news sources sometimes cover current events. The names of the people have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent, and the storyline is a fabrication influenced from the multiple people originating from these lands who have interacted with the author, along with current news and history books.

All images are AI-generated using Fotor, unless stated otherwise, and are meant to describe the subject they portray figuratively, not factually.